At the end of 2018, Denis and I were again on a missionstrip in Ukraine. It was pretty hard to decide whether we would go on this trip or not. In December 2017, while we were in Mozambique, a couple told us about their missions to Ukraine they attend almost every year. They have been doing this for several years. They talked about how grateful the local people are, how they visit tuberculosis clinics, psychiatric clinics and children's foster homes, how they care for them and serve there in the power of the good news of God. We were completely blown away and our hearts leaped in our chests, we wanted to come next time.
Almost 10 months later, the time had come. Somehow Denis and I haven't talked about it all these months. Our finances were exhausted, we were in the middle of big challenges in terms of our living situation, and we worked a lot of overtime which consumed a lot of projects and strength for things that we actually wanted to do in parallel. Humanly there was a lot in favor of not doing this this time.
Trust or control?
During a walk Denis and I discussed what we would do now. My position was clear, I was convinced we should go there. However, I was not willing to consent to the trip if Denis wanted to continue to hold onto his fears. Because in addition to the above mentioned difficulties, he was also afraid of the general conditions. “What if we have to pay so much money and have to sleep in run down barracks. What if we pay so much money and are restricted in our freedom to be ourselves or only get bread or something like that to eat. We don't know the leadership we will be working along. What if we are severely restricted by their leadership style. Of course, these are all secondary thoughts, but surly I could understand him too. A lot of money or a high investment equals an expected same high standard, little money or a low investment equals an expected low standard. Logical train of thought. If that didn't cost us anything, then the willingness to do everything on site and, and to endure certain circumstances would be higher than if our own resources were put into it. Maybe you can find yourself a little bit in this thought.
However, I was not ready to fly under this attitude. We couldn't have clarified these questions specifically beforehand, time was running out and a decision had to be made. It was important to me that when we embark on this journey, that we let go of the money completely, that we completely let go of control and all claims, that we simply surrender to the wave and ride it.
After all, I had no desire to listen to whining and grumbling on site for every little bit where the expectations are not met.
My body shook and I stopped asking questions
One day at the conference in Ukraine, our leader Ken taught in the meeting. Suddenly and out of nowhere, completely incoherent, at least apparently, he started to whistle. He whistled for a while. Sometimes melodic, sometimes just sounding. He seemed to be gone, as if he had forgotten the "audience". I closed my eyes and saw the picture of the open hand with the huge pearl in it, which belonged to a body that sank into the waves. I didn't understand the picture. This actually stayed that way for a while. But I heard in my heart, "Please paint this picture for me."
I knew this voice and this instruction and immediately agreed that I would do it. "What should I call this picture?"
"Waves of Glory" was the instant and clear answer.
OK. I still did not understand the picture and saw no connection between the title and the content. So I instantly doubted that name. At the very moment when I wondered if this was really the title, our leader Ken stopped whistling and said "Waves of Glory" from the stage, completely unrelated, without explanation. He waited a moment and then proceeded with his message as if nothing had happened. I was shocked. My body trembled slightly. I still didn't understand anything, but I didn't question anything either. When I got home I bought a canvas and was ready to go.
A process of giving up and pain
When I stood in front of the empty canvas, I already noticed that I would proceed with this picture much differently than I was used to. I didn't know what and how. I took the pencil to make my sketch on the canvas and asked the Spirit of God to take the lead. I sketched the hand and drew a circle for the pearl. Interestingly enough, at this point I already was able to say that apart from the elements hand, pearl, wave, the picture I am about to paint will differ significantly from what I originally saw. I was completely detached from the composition I imagined beforehand and was completely free to ride this wave as it comes. When I tried to use my usual medium of acrylic, I took out a set of oil paints instead. This picture should be based on oil. I started mixing my shades of blue and just started painting the water. I had nothing in mind, did not know what it would look like, but just had fun combining one shade with the next. I did not ask any questions, just followed the impulses of the movement that arose on the canvas. After a time, a wonderful play of colors of blue and green tones around the hand and the pearl had emerged. I enjoyed the lubricity of the oil paints and how I could modulate them on the canvas.
Now it was the turn of the hand. Light and shadow and a lot of detail in the individual skin folds towards the wrist. I was looking for a reference picture for the pearl. It quickly turned out that I would not find one because the pearl ultimately reflects its surroundings. I followed the flow again, I had never painted a pearl before and was therefore not sure. When she was done I could only be amazed.
But something was still missing.
Let go of everything - paint over it
At about the stage of the picture when I started painting the pearl, I started to understand what this picture means.
The Spirit of God reminded me of a parable, that is, an exemplary story that Jesus once told about the Kingdom of God.
The kingdom of heaven is also like a merchant who was looking for beautiful pearls. When he found a particularly valuable pearl, he went there, sold everything he owned, and bought it. (Matthew 13, 45-46)
What really made me ponder in this parable is the fact that this merchant sold EVERYTHING he had to have this pearl. I imagined it literally and thought it didn't make any sense at all. Because according to this idea, this merchant would have to stand naked with a pearl in his hand and have nothing more than this pearl. Why would anyone do that? Because even though the pearl is very valuable, he would not go there the next day and buy clothes and food from it. Because then it would make no sense that he bought this pearl in the first place. In addition, if this pearl was really valuable, then he really gave up a lot to buy it. He must have been rich. What did he understand that I don't understand here?
I continued to look at the picture and wondered how I could still bring in the breaking wave in. I didn't have a reference picture for this either, and at that point I didn't even have a picture in my mind anymore. So I just started. "Lord lead my hand."
Honestly, it was kind of painful. The first brushstrokes were on the canvas and I started to let the wave beat over the previously detailed, painted hand. Not only over the hand, the pearl should not be spared either. The wave grew bigger and bigger and I couldn't believe what I was doing. In addition, the wave took on a form that is completely incomprehensible to me. The words echoed in my head "he sold EVERYTHING."
An exchange of everything for everything
The merchant must have been convinced that everything was taken care of that he would have no shortage of anything after buying the pearl. He must have been convinced that what he acquired was probably even more valuable than what he previously had. He couldn't give more than what he had, but since he gave EVERYTHING, he would certainly have been willing to give more. However, everything he had was sufficient. He was not the sum of his possessions, his possessions were not his identity and yet, logically speaking, the sale of all his possessions would put him in a position in which he would find himself completely powerless and in need of help. Who are you when you have absolutely nothing? What is left?
The merchant had found a treasure, but what does he get from this treasure?
He was like God, but did not adhere to being equal to God, but rather he uttered himself and became like a slave and like men. His life was that of a human being; he humbled himself and was obedient to death, to death on the cross. (Philippians 2.6-8)
"Emptied" is a translated term that underlies the Greek term "kenosis". What this describes is that God himself, in the form of the human being Jesus, has emptied himself of his “deity”. He left his throne in heaven to come to earth himself in the form of a human being. And not somehow, but he himself went through the stages of becoming a man. He was born as a baby, completely in need of help, went through puberty, struggled with all sorts of things we humans struggle with and came not to box through his own agenda, but to serve mankind. To pay the price that justice demanded at the end of his walk as a man, because no man has yet managed to accumulate no debt to God. All of this should lead to, us humans being reconciled to God again, which means being debt-free in front of him. The debts were paid.
Jesus knew in his time here on earth - which is limited, and in which he followed self-imposed limits capable of canceling his mission at any time - that the gain was greater than what he had given up.
An again: when he was here on earth, he laid down his rights again, this time his rights as a human being, his right to fight back, his right to condemn someone, his right to take things by force that were lawfully his. He did not rebel against the mistreatment of his enemies and even made it clear that in fact nobody takes his life, but that he gives it voluntarily.
What is it worth?
You are the pearl, you are worth giving up everything that someone puts down his life for you. He traded his life so you can live. Everywhere where justice speaks against you and says: "Punishment!", He took it upon himself. Even though he was innocent, he served the sentence for you so that you could be free. And when the prosecutor comes who wants to accuse you, you can refer to your rescuer and say: "He has already served my sentence, discuss it with him".
Just as you are the pearl in the hand of God, so is he and his kingdom the pearl in your hand. Just as it was painful for Jesus to go through the process of "putting his life down", so it can be painful for you to give up things that you take supposed safety and well-being from.
Just as he gained everything when he gave up everything, so you gain everything that heaven and life has in store for you when you are ready to lay down the earthly and transient.
God is real and Jesus is the truth. His love for you is limitless, genuine and without selfishness. Ask him to explain to you personally what it would mean for you to pay EVERYTHING so that in the end you have something in your hand that makes you completely carefree about your tomorrow and the future. So that you stand there like the merchant who knows that what he has now is worth more than what he has ever had or could acquire or achieve himself.
What became of the initial concerns?
What can I say? We decided to fly, put the few thousands on the table and Denis agreed to put everything down and trust. However, as we humans are sometimes, the day before departure all worries came up again and I got the crisis.
In conclusion, however, it can be said that this trip was one of the best, or the best, missionary and leadership experience we have ever had together. We are so thankful and enjoyed every single day. We could trust the leadership and let ourselves go, and what was even more impressive, they trusted us and looked after us so well. It was a super exhausting time. We demanded so much from our bodies every day, but we had capacities as you know from being "freshly in love".
Small postscript
The picture contains other elements that speak to me. I see other striking notices that I have not resolved all in this article. Be free to think about the elements yourself and connect the picture with the scriptures and the parable and they will gradually break down for you.
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